The easy part.

The easy part is hearing that it's going to get better.
The hard part is getting those words from my between my ears to settle into that place where I can begin to believe it.

To Do: Write List

Anyone who knows me well knows that I love, love lists. I'm guilty of keeping small black books in my purses, backpacks, and general vicinity. I had a Palm Pilot for awhile, but somehow found that important stuff took too long to type with a ink-less stylus, and the stuff got lost, anyways. My lists are somewhat cryptic, anyways, running the gamut between "books to write about" to "business ideas" to "Do (or not do) by 2009..."

The battery died months ago, but lists in paper are forever :)

I resorted, for awhile, to keeping dry-erase markers in a toothbrush holder on my bathroom mirror, but then a friend left "Smile, you're on Candid Camera!" written above my sink, and getting out of the shower the next morning I saw it... and it made me feel funny inside.

But I digress. Today I laughed out loud, because I had left my little diary at home. In my haste, I scribbled some notes on a post-it from work, and put that on my wallet where I'd be sure to not forget anything. Know what it said?

-Stapler
-Ink
-Makeup
-Breakfast for attorneys

I could explain, but it really doesn't matter. Ok, maybe I couldn't explain. You'll just have to imagine.

Anyways, the whole event made me start to think about lists themselves, and why they are helpful. But then I started thinking that maybe they aren't so helpful. For example, they are helpful when you are planning. They are not so helpful when you are allowing your mind to run away with itself with the unknowns. For this particular post, I'm only going to refer to the former.

I've been thinking that perhaps I can use my love for lists to offer up to the Lord some things that are weighing on my mind. I have a few "regulars," you see. A few requests and things that are burdensome that come up during my quiet time. But more than this, I've been learning to still my heart enough to listen for Him to prompt me towards more things to add to the list. More, you say? Yes, much more.

I am not advocating for the Christian's prayer life to be reduced to a list. Prayer is far to personal for this. I am, however, saying that it can be a powerful tool towards focusing your mind and heart into the quietness of prayer. Perhaps, too, it wouldn't be so terrible to think through some of those particular areas of sin, in all their ugliness, and create smaller lists of each to ask specific forgiveness for. I find that this creates accountability in my life.

Thanks for letting share a little bit of my day. If you ever get a post-it stuck to the bottom of your shoe, and if it came from the general vicinity of a Starbucks, and it has some sort of cryptic writing on it that may or may not include abstract ideas mixed with "learn French" scribbled above "get mascara," you know where to find me. :)

Identity

I've had some quiet time this week for reading, and decided to pick up one of my favorite books: "Conformed to His Image," by Kenneth Boa. (Don't you just love that title?).

This book was originally a school assignment, but I soon found that I wanted to read through it much faster than the class allowed. Thus, last year I read through most of it, well before the class was finished. As is true with most of my favorite books, however, I read through them and then discover them anew at some other point in life.

Currently, I've stumbled upon a book-marked page that outlines dozens of promises in the Bible that a believer can cling to when establishing an identity in Jesus Christ. The page was hurriedly marked with a page torn from my moleskine journal, apparently a section so important that I was afraid its significance would be lost if I did not mark it right that moment. I find lots of my books marked this way.

I picked up the Sunday paper this evening and perused the "Ask Miss Manners" section; a reader wrote in and asked M.M. what the difference was between and "ego" and healthy self-esteem. I admit that I scanned her answer, because I soon saw the usual jargon and humanistic lingo.

I am so thankful that I've found true meaning and identity in Christ, and while I think we should always strive towards improving ourselves, knowing simply that His death and resurrection is enough to make me whole again is comfort in itself. It's sort of like that feeling you get when someone, or something, inspires you to stretch yourself that extra inch towards excellence; you do it not out of fear or out of inadequacy, but rather out of love and the desire to reflect, oddly, a small part of something beautiful that you saw in the other person or thing that has brought so much richness to your life.

I went to church today and I'm continually humbled by and reminded of how wonderful my church family is. I spent the afternoon running a couple of errands, including a trip to Lowes for some hardware I needed for a project. I met up with a friend later to help him finish his personal statement for a scholarship application; I'm finding that having the chance to write is deeply meaningful to me, and especially when I know others will read it. Two cups of coffee and a few hours later, laptop batteries draining, it was nearly finished. I don't know if I have any particular talent or gift, but thankfully my livelihood does not rely solely on my writing skills.

I went running tonight and now my legs hurt- groan.... I need to be more careful next time.

I am wondering, guarding, and, strangely, peaceful. My hands are full right now, and I pray that, even through my stubbornness, He will slowly and gently pry these things from my fingertips.

Lost In Pages Bound

I got somewhat lost the other day,
Though not from streets passed,
Strange cities or missing the bus
that left at half-past

Folded maps, directions asked,
Useless were they to me.
My absence not missed,
I continued my way (I admit, absently)

I cared not for North, East, South, West,
Avenues, speed limits, slippery when wet.
They couldn't help this mind tonight;
I was lost in thoughts, but sound in sight.

I knew then where to find
That place where I could spend some time
Looking not for answers, per se
But for a collection of thoughts at the end of the day.

Quiet, but bright and cluttered
With browers, thinkers, and the pages they muttered
Authors, titles, and worn wooden shelves
Small wheeled stools and coffee shop smells.

I sat on the floor, and tucked in my feet
Collected my thoughts, and started to read.
Psychology, philosophy, and wisdom to keep;
Business, art, and some not so deep.

Staring at the books... I'd amassed quite a pile!
Collected my thoughts, lingered awhile.
Then shelving the books, know what I found?
I found that I liked getting lost...
Lost in those pages bound.

:)

Where I Would've Been

o I started a poem but couldn't make it rhyme. (Isn't that silly?)
Perhaps I can write instead. I was changing my age on the "about me" section of this blog, since I turned 24 last week. If I may be nostalgic for a moment, I think it is really starting to amaze me how quickly time passes. And, with that thought, I have been solemnly considering how different this year would have been if God had not protected me. As a Christian I know that I should actually see the safety in the future; indeed, this is a facet of trust. But I admit that my breath catches a little when I think about how different my life would be right now, both if I had listened to Him, and if I hadn't listened to Him.

I know that there were times when I thought I was doing the right thing, but forgetting that there are two or more wills at stake. I've been told that I have an uncanny sense of right and wrong; indeed, told that if I listened to my intuition I would save myself quite a bit of trouble. But sometimes, in considering the consequences, I consider too many variables when I should just trust God to take care of it. Maybe I'm not making sense.

You cannot make someone change. Or, if you force change, you don't actually have the heart of the matter. I've known this, of course, but it was again illustrated to me yesterday when I went out to see my horse. BayPony threw a shoe on Saturday, and her farrier came to fix it last night. The difference between a broken horse and a gentled horse is that the gentled horse wants to please you. Anyone can break a horse... anyone can force change through breaking the spirit. But what are we left with? We are left with a shallow relationship that is based on weakness, not meekness. Manipulation, fear, and pain, either physical or mental, are symptoms that something is awry.

Horse training is the same way. Before I ever rode Bay, I spent weeks taking walks with her. I started at her nose and ran my hands down her legs until she picked them up for me, even her back ones. Lots of positive reinforcement. Lots of walking by scary garbage cans, plastic tarps, and noisy cars. Lots of carrots and peppermints. And what is the gain? The gain is a relationship. I know it sounds silly, but there is indeed a difference between a horse with a broken spirit and one without. Eventually Bay learned to follow me, trust me, and listen to me without using harsh tools or even a bit.

God calls us to trust Him. Through everything. Even when we cannot see the end result. As I sit here tonight, peaceful and quiet, I've had that pang in heart that you feel when you realize just how close you came to being a broken spirit. For me, it's sort of that feeling you get just before the roller coaster begins the first descent. Or that catch you feel when you see the semi truck run the light you hesitated at. It's that feeling when fear and relief collide, and for a moment you can't tell the difference.

It doesn't take but a few feet (or moments) away from the path set before us before our stumble shakes us so badly we can't see the way anymore. I'm so grateful that God put the right people in my path to protect me, and even removed circumstances from my path, circumstances and chances that became so impossible I turned them over to Him. <3

Strange Days

Friday looks to be interesting. My morning started off with a trip to Starbucks, where I tell you the blueberry coffee cake was making a face at me. Honest! Blueberry placement can be harshly disturbing on a Friday morning, pre-caffeine. A lady in line (it was out the door) with me was lamenting that this was the only Starbucks close to DownTown Tampa, and when I asked where she was from, she informed me that she was from New York. So I'm standing there and thinking that she probably wouldn't have been happy even if there had been 10 Starbucks, each across from each other.

But I digress. After leaving, I pulled behind someone who flung open his car door and proceeded to spit on the street. Except he didn't spit- he poured. It was really, really disturbing... on so many levels. ChivalryMan should have come to my rescue and adverted my eyes.

After arriving at the office, a technician came by my desk and asked if I knew where the phone closet was. I kept a straight face and whispered, "Why, are you SuperMan?" He only laughed a little bit. I later exploded into a fit of giggles. People need to lighten up sometimes.

Friday night looks fun around here. I'm planning to go stick around for a bit for a DownTown event, go running, read, watch When Harry Met Sally, and go for a massage at 9 PM. Tomorrow I'm making a trip to the beach for shopping and sunshine. I've been working on a post that I may finish this evening, discussing some thoughts on a book I'm currently reading. I started last night but didn't think I was quite ready. I was quite tired. And I had to iron. Which would quell even the creativity of DaVinci. So the post will have to be today or tomorrow. Yesterday I went running, stopped off at Starbucks and people-watched. Then I took my green burlap bag over to Publix, where wonderful items were on sale such as frozen berries and olive oil and yellow sweet-smelling daisies for my lovely crystal vase. Ok- those weren't on sale.

Cheers!

Congratulations!

Congratulations to the 2008 Graduates of Regent University! The ceremony and festivities were well worth the trip from Tampa! God Bless !